January

It's actually Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday today, but the kids will have their school holiday on Monday.  I remember celebrating it on January 15 when I was in school, and it may have changed to a national "Monday" holiday when I was still in high school.  I'm stalling.  The things that I want to write are green, and nine days after the most incredible day I don't want to write green, ugly stuff.

Nine days ago I had people treat me like a big star.  I know what it's like to be treated like a VIP.  It rocks, I hope you all get to experience it, especially for something like a birthday.  I hope Barb and Tom, who are are so remarkably generous and selfless and organized and energized, get to find out how much all they do means to others.  Renee, I love you!  And my email loop, my dad and Libby, everyone who came from all over, including silly Laura N. who came from Philly with a cold and wouldn't come into the house.  And all the people who smiled at me when I faced out from my birthday cake, it was the most amazing thing to see.  I wanted to frame all of you just like that!  Thank you for bringing delicious food, but of course most of all for being there. 

For that day I had limitless energy, I could stand the whole time, and I felt no pain.  My face even seemed less swollen to me.  But it all went so fast and of course I didn't have nearly enough time to spend with anyone, which made me feel guilty on a few different levels.  So I was feeling guilty for the people I had invited and those I'd wanted to invite and couldn't, and when I said good-bye and left Barb's I needed some quiet.  The next day, when I sadly watched Sally and Renee take their luggage toward departure terminals, I sighed, because you never know when you'll see people again when they leave for home on airplanes.

So I slept for a day, otherwise complaining about this miserable sinus infection, and then I headed to Penn to jump back on the chemo local (wouldn't ever call chemo an express line, that's for sure).  I ended up NOT having chemo once again, as Dr. Fox decided he wants me to have two more weeks off.  He called it a new plan, but it's one time I have to say I'm a bit concerned about that choice.  I know I just had rads a couple weeks ago, but shouldn't I be continually treated with meds?  Dr. Fox acted a bit blase about the whole thing, almost like he wanted to make sure I wouldn't get concerned.  Which, of course, had the opposite effect.  Still, I was feeling sick and ooky, and didn't say very much.  I have an abdominal CT scan and chemo scheduled for the 23rd, so for better or worse I should leave the Perlman Center that day feeling like good old patient me.

Update's not over:  I would need a bigger blog to complain sufficiently about my sinuses.  So my mom found me an ENT (the woman should just become a medical directory, seriously) and got me a quick appointment for last Thursday.  I headed there, only to discover traffic everwhere on the road to Jefferson Hospital.  Cars had flipped on the Ben Franklin Bridge, cars were broken down on I-95.  And I realized as I miserably waited through it, I'd forgotten my ubiquitous water bottle.  By the time I got to Jefferson they brought me water and a vomit pan.  Thank goodness the water eliminated the need for the pan for once.  The nurse sprayed minty stuff into my nose and it cleared out a lot, nice!  Then Dr. Rosen came in with this giant scope thing and I was supposed to relax?  It hurt.  So my next step is a CT scan on my sinuses, too. In the meantime, I'm now on my third antibiotic and I'm still waiting to experience any relief. 

It's amazing how you can have a thing like cancer that runs willy nilly all over your body and you can generally go through life with energy and passion.  But get some gook in your nose and you're dying.  Which is how I feel, a bit.  I'm dizzy and tired and my muscles are terribly weak and I don't want to do anything.  Those of you who think you shouldn't complain to me because I'm going through a more terrible illness, picture me sitting here with one box of empty tissues that I'm filling with disgusting tissues from the newer box.  Because Molly takes all the ones I pile into the trashcan, they're a delicacy to her.  And I'm miserably nasal.  And the crap is green. And it's ugly.  And even though I know I'm not, I feel like I'm fading from the earth because of this mess.  You might be able to relate to this ...