Hanging On

I haven't written in awhile.  This is the busy time of year for me and my cohorts in parenting.  School concerts, playoff baseball games, year-end school activities, class trips, Phillies games, parties, swimming, and in my case chemo on Tuesday afternoons.  I've already had three treatments, and I get this week off.  I have a printout on Abraxane that I was given during my first treatment (treatments are mercifully short, just an hour or so), and thus far my side effects have been following the guide faithfully.  Fatigue, check (but not bad, just one day out); nausea, again, not bad; neuropathy, continuing where it left off following Xeloda.  Hair loss:  dramatic. 

I was fine, with every hair in place, until I showered Thursday morning and noticed the drain was pretty full by the end.  By yesterday morning I could pull out a clump without feeling it.  Last night I could practically feel the follicles parting from my scalp, and had trouble sleeping.  This morning was the worst of it, though.  I lost about 50% of my hair just during this morning's shower.  It was massive, frightening, unreal.  I have thick, dark hair.  As I conditioned, I worried I would emerge completely bald.  Why, oh why couldn't it have lasted just two more weeks?  School ends on June 15, and everything is going so well for me there.  I sub just about everyday at the middle school, and I enjoy it immensely.  I love the kids and the environment and the friends I've made. Some people know about the cancer, many don't.  I have support and anonymity simultaneously.  Until now, that is.  Two days after my last entry, I decided to get my hair cut short so the loss would be less dramatic (heh, that went well).  My wig is currently at least three inches longer than my hair.  If I wear my wig to school, it will be quite ridiculous to expect anyone to believe my hair grew 3 inches in a weekend.  If I wear a scarf on my head, I fear it will make me look like a sick person to the kids.  At this point I still have just enough hair to appear normal in public, but I certainly can't avoid the shower.  What will I face in the mirror on Monday morning?  No matter what I choose to do in this situation, I think people at the middle school will see me differently, and that's not good.  I just got unsolicited positive feedback from the principal on Friday.

On the big plus side, I haven't taken a single Advil in two weeks.  Just after starting the Abraxane, the nerve pain down my legs became especially intense, and Advil stopped working.  Dr. Fox prescribed a five-day Prednisone pack, which provided immediate relief.  I feared the pain would return immediately after finishing the pills, but it's been barely noticeable, just a twinge now and then.  Loreli insists it's a good sign that the chemo is doing its job, but I won't be too optimistic until I see the tumor markers drop.  I'll have blood tests during my next appointment, on June 11.  I do think the lump is shrinking, though.   

How ironic.  Just when I'm feeling better, I'll look sick.