Last night I was at the supermarket and the full effect of what happened smacked me in the face. Hard. It was like having a flashback, only can it count as a recollection if I'm collecting the information for the first time? So I couldn't wait to get to group therapy this morning to discuss it, and I ended up taking a whole hour to get it out all the way. I always seem to have these problems to which nobody else can relate, but the other patients always do their best to empathize. I'm lucky to have found some very caring people there.
Still, I need an MRI. I talked to my primary care doctor today, and his only advice is to get that MRI. Hopefully very soon. I'm trying not to worry, and the steroids I'm taking are helpful, as usual. I have an appetite at last. I ate a full dinner and I feel fine. If steroids help, can this problem be as bad as I fear? Everyone is trying to convince me I don't need to worry this much. Including Esther. My mother! If she's not concerned, I could probably relax. If only.
Life is no less crazy after my health scare. I still have the same people problems, and I'm giving up hope of ever having them solved. I can't share these details, but at group therapy I'm trying to learn new skills for coping with them. I can only change my own actions and reactions. I can't let the envy of what I'm missing eat me alive. All the positive experiences I won't get to have, all the love I'm forced to inhibit, it breaks me. But I'm lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. I have to focus on that. I have Jason and Jonah, after all! Who could ever want more? I could. Sigh.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Update
Last night I couldn't see right again, I had all vision? problems with the dots and the skewed right side. The mornings are better, but my sinuses feel like they're exploding in my brain. The ER docs did do a CT scan on my sinuses, but didn't find anything horrible. This morning I was feeling HORRIBLY sick, when Ken came in with sinus meds and caffeine pills, plus tea and toast. My head just has a light, dull ache right now. I'll take it. I can focus and type, and even see what I'm typing. Nice change!
I might've been confusing yesterday. I went to the ER and had CT scans on my head, but they couldn't tell anything because I need MRIs. I'm still waiting to get those scheduled. The folks at Penn ER were nicer than any other ER folks I've encountered thus far, and I was grateful. Heck, right now I'm thrilled just because my head isn't pounding out of my skull.
The CT scan indicated that I might have cancer in my skull again, speaking of skulls. My guess is they found the healed skull lesions from former bone cancer. But, just a guess. I'm scared when I feel sick like this, and even worse, it makes me completely miserable when Jonah sees it. So I'm also grateful to Donna for sending her son over to get Jonah for play now, and to Joe and Debbie for inviting him later. On that note, I'm especially grateful Jonah has so many good friends with wonderful parents. You're all helping me raise him, and even when I can't be a full-time mom you make me feel like one. Thank you.
I'm not sure what else to do right now when the headache is under control. My choice would be to talk to Renee, but I'd have to seriously limit that. Renee and I are not good at limiting talking! I can't read or play computer games. I'd love to take a shower, but Ken said he'd clean the bathroom for me. If I get in there I'll want to clean it. Especially now that I can handle the cleaner (I had to stop using chlorine cleaners). There's nothing on tv and Jason is the only kid home. I don't think he'd want to hang out with me right now, he's still in his room. So, dare I say it, I'm actually a bit ... bored! I'm never bored.
I might've been confusing yesterday. I went to the ER and had CT scans on my head, but they couldn't tell anything because I need MRIs. I'm still waiting to get those scheduled. The folks at Penn ER were nicer than any other ER folks I've encountered thus far, and I was grateful. Heck, right now I'm thrilled just because my head isn't pounding out of my skull.
The CT scan indicated that I might have cancer in my skull again, speaking of skulls. My guess is they found the healed skull lesions from former bone cancer. But, just a guess. I'm scared when I feel sick like this, and even worse, it makes me completely miserable when Jonah sees it. So I'm also grateful to Donna for sending her son over to get Jonah for play now, and to Joe and Debbie for inviting him later. On that note, I'm especially grateful Jonah has so many good friends with wonderful parents. You're all helping me raise him, and even when I can't be a full-time mom you make me feel like one. Thank you.
I'm not sure what else to do right now when the headache is under control. My choice would be to talk to Renee, but I'd have to seriously limit that. Renee and I are not good at limiting talking! I can't read or play computer games. I'd love to take a shower, but Ken said he'd clean the bathroom for me. If I get in there I'll want to clean it. Especially now that I can handle the cleaner (I had to stop using chlorine cleaners). There's nothing on tv and Jason is the only kid home. I don't think he'd want to hang out with me right now, he's still in his room. So, dare I say it, I'm actually a bit ... bored! I'm never bored.
Friday, November 23, 2012
What's the Effex?
I think I officially hate Effexor. At least I hope. It seems that every time something goes wrong that's the cause. I also don't think my chemo is working anymore. And thinking is not dependable because my brain isn't functioning properly and I have a headache. I don't even know why I'm writing right now, except that I know I worried people this afternoon.
I'm having too many occasions throwing up on the sides of highways. Sorry, I should've issued a warning for that one. But honestly, I'm a mess and the roadways leading to Philly seem to bear the brunt. I asked for Facebook prayers because of my neurological issues, but not exactly pleased with the vomiting, either. For posterity's sake I'm going to list my issues now:
On Wednesday I went to the lovely interfaith service at the synagogue, and it was wonderful like every year. During the dessert that concluded the service, however, I began seeing odd, colorful spots in front of me, and they danced. I left the service too late, and by the time I got to the car I needed Ken to help me with my balance. I fudged a few words and got very upset because I could not get out the sounds I meant to say. I decided to come home and look up possible ailments on the computer, but when I got here I couldn't operate the computer. I couldn't find the right side of the keyboard, and apparently I spoke gibberish when I tried to explain that to Ken. VERY scary. I thought I was having a stroke, but I also had a horrible headache, and I fell asleep before Ken got me any help.
Yesterday morning I woke up and went to the Thanksgiving football game. I couldn't walk up the bleachers, but otherwise I was not in terrible shape. Again, I started having trouble in the afternoon, like with the vomiting on the way to Jill's for dinner. Instead of enjoying turkey with the trimmings with my family, my mom and I went to Penn's ER for the evening. We pulled up and they took us immediately. I didn't wait anywhere, within moments I was whisked into a gown in a single room. My port was tapped, and I was sent up for head CTs. They checked my head and my sinuses, which have been bothering me quite a bit.
My sinuses are fine. My head, not so great. I might have cancer on my skull again, which I've had before, but less likely is a chance there is cancer in my brain. I need an MRI. How would I go from there? This little bit of time I've spent not remembering the meaning of money one minute or my daughter's age the next has been downright terrorizing. How can I not drive? I already haven't been able to drive for two days, what if it continues?
When I got to talk to Dr. Fox this morning I asked, "Are you frowning?" When he's frowning, I know I have to worry. No, he said, he wasn't frowning. He thinks I'm having yet another reaction to the Effexor, but we won't know for sure until I have an MRI. In the meantime he's prescribed steroids. I just took the first one. Suddenly I think I've reached my writing capacity, plus Jonah needs to go to bed, so good night. I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving.
I'm having too many occasions throwing up on the sides of highways. Sorry, I should've issued a warning for that one. But honestly, I'm a mess and the roadways leading to Philly seem to bear the brunt. I asked for Facebook prayers because of my neurological issues, but not exactly pleased with the vomiting, either. For posterity's sake I'm going to list my issues now:
On Wednesday I went to the lovely interfaith service at the synagogue, and it was wonderful like every year. During the dessert that concluded the service, however, I began seeing odd, colorful spots in front of me, and they danced. I left the service too late, and by the time I got to the car I needed Ken to help me with my balance. I fudged a few words and got very upset because I could not get out the sounds I meant to say. I decided to come home and look up possible ailments on the computer, but when I got here I couldn't operate the computer. I couldn't find the right side of the keyboard, and apparently I spoke gibberish when I tried to explain that to Ken. VERY scary. I thought I was having a stroke, but I also had a horrible headache, and I fell asleep before Ken got me any help.
Yesterday morning I woke up and went to the Thanksgiving football game. I couldn't walk up the bleachers, but otherwise I was not in terrible shape. Again, I started having trouble in the afternoon, like with the vomiting on the way to Jill's for dinner. Instead of enjoying turkey with the trimmings with my family, my mom and I went to Penn's ER for the evening. We pulled up and they took us immediately. I didn't wait anywhere, within moments I was whisked into a gown in a single room. My port was tapped, and I was sent up for head CTs. They checked my head and my sinuses, which have been bothering me quite a bit.
My sinuses are fine. My head, not so great. I might have cancer on my skull again, which I've had before, but less likely is a chance there is cancer in my brain. I need an MRI. How would I go from there? This little bit of time I've spent not remembering the meaning of money one minute or my daughter's age the next has been downright terrorizing. How can I not drive? I already haven't been able to drive for two days, what if it continues?
When I got to talk to Dr. Fox this morning I asked, "Are you frowning?" When he's frowning, I know I have to worry. No, he said, he wasn't frowning. He thinks I'm having yet another reaction to the Effexor, but we won't know for sure until I have an MRI. In the meantime he's prescribed steroids. I just took the first one. Suddenly I think I've reached my writing capacity, plus Jonah needs to go to bed, so good night. I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Confusion?
I keep writing posts, whether in my head or on the computer, and then getting rid of them. I have no subject for tonight, but I continue to have that feeling that I'm schlepping around with something stupid and exhausting. For now I'll post an update and see if it provides any relief.
I go to group therapy twice or three times a week. My health insurance pays for a limited number of visits, so I'm trying to space them out to make this experience last longer. This week I went on Monday and yesterday. Working in a group is so extraordinary. If I don't want to focus on myself, someone else needs that focus. I think I'm realizing for the first time that I'm in a heap of doo doo. I'd just been figuring these are my problems, like everyone has problems. But my problems really suck, and there isn't easy advice. It made me feel sorry for myself for a couple days. I hope I'm past that now. I thought it would be no big deal to talk in group, because, after all, I write everything in a blog. However, it feels different when people are hearing the whole story at once and I talk mostly about the part that most affects me. I'm getting advice on what I need, and I find the people to be comforting. I also may like that we're all somehow damaged, and that slowly but surely, people are healing. This place is terrific.
Cancer is bugging me. My chemo break is over already. I had a treatment yesterday, and it seemed to take forever. Not feeling wonderful today, and I'm teaching kindergarten. I feel like my energy continues to decrease, and I don't know why. People ask, "How are you?" and I really have no idea. I answer with a noncommittal, "Okay." Not satisfying to anyone. People continue to be lovely, just taking their anger out on politics, it seems. I'm definitely angry, and I can't identify that, either. But watch out, because I can be pretty moody, and also downright mean. I delete the posts, but the sentiments float in the stratosphere. Maybe I even mean them, but I certainly don't mean them to be public ... or phrased so harshly ... or whatever.
I'm so tired. And I still haven't discovered why I'm writing this blog entry. Jonah wants me to tuck him in. I guess I'll give this a rest for tonight. And me.
I go to group therapy twice or three times a week. My health insurance pays for a limited number of visits, so I'm trying to space them out to make this experience last longer. This week I went on Monday and yesterday. Working in a group is so extraordinary. If I don't want to focus on myself, someone else needs that focus. I think I'm realizing for the first time that I'm in a heap of doo doo. I'd just been figuring these are my problems, like everyone has problems. But my problems really suck, and there isn't easy advice. It made me feel sorry for myself for a couple days. I hope I'm past that now. I thought it would be no big deal to talk in group, because, after all, I write everything in a blog. However, it feels different when people are hearing the whole story at once and I talk mostly about the part that most affects me. I'm getting advice on what I need, and I find the people to be comforting. I also may like that we're all somehow damaged, and that slowly but surely, people are healing. This place is terrific.
Cancer is bugging me. My chemo break is over already. I had a treatment yesterday, and it seemed to take forever. Not feeling wonderful today, and I'm teaching kindergarten. I feel like my energy continues to decrease, and I don't know why. People ask, "How are you?" and I really have no idea. I answer with a noncommittal, "Okay." Not satisfying to anyone. People continue to be lovely, just taking their anger out on politics, it seems. I'm definitely angry, and I can't identify that, either. But watch out, because I can be pretty moody, and also downright mean. I delete the posts, but the sentiments float in the stratosphere. Maybe I even mean them, but I certainly don't mean them to be public ... or phrased so harshly ... or whatever.
I'm so tired. And I still haven't discovered why I'm writing this blog entry. Jonah wants me to tuck him in. I guess I'll give this a rest for tonight. And me.
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