NOW it's two down and two to go

The treatment itself is no big deal, but making it through the ensuing days is like, oh, the Middle Passage? The Hebrew slaves crossing the Egyptian desert? Maybe that's an exaggeration, but you get the idea. This one was just exhausting, and possibly as much for my mother as for me. Yesterday I pretty much slept the entire day while she did my "job." Man, am I impressed that she could find her way from the school to the synagogue to the library, etc., all on her own. I think Jonah had a nice day with her, too.

Last night I started to come out of it a little. I woke up to another degree. Not fully alert and awake, but not desperately overwhelming. It ended up being fine that Jill had to work today. I took Jonah to Barb's in the morning, and while Jonah was in school I napped, then went for a 1.5 mile walk. I'm still scheduled to work tomorrow, and I think I'll make it. It's middle school, early day, I think it will be fine. If it is, what a difference that could make! I need to get back to work.

While I was typing this, Jason came into the room. Apparently my buff had fallen off, and I hadn't even noticed. He did not react to my funky looking head at all, but I realized it as soon as he saw me. I apologized and grabbed for the buff, but he was so sweet, saying it was okay, and then he gave me a hug. Jason rocks. Jonah rocks, too, even though he has told me I should wear hair everywhere we go because I look freaky if I just wear a hat or a buff. And Allison ... I don't know. That'd be a whole nother blog.

Well, I'll update tomorrow about work.

So tired

This one has knocked me out. At least I can sleep! That's a big improvement over the last treatment. I hosted Jason's book club meeting today, and it turned out to be the shortest book club meeting in history. I must not have looked up to the task. Was I? I have no idea. I love those boys, though. They can hang out here whenever.

Besides that, I made it through a trip to Best Buy, and strugggled through a one-mile walk with Ken. I've slept every other moment. Sigh. Trying to get in all the water. Four bottles a day doesn't seem like much, but my body seems to think it doesn't want it. Even with the Emend and Zofran, I have a tiny drop of nausea.

Thanks and kudos to Civia for administering the neulasta shot last night. I didn't even feel it! And I don't know whether it's because of the Claritin or just because, but I have no bone pain at all. Now to make sure the shot works, and my white blood count doesn't drop again. I really don't expect that same trouble. Being able to sleep should make a huge difference.

I'm more than half bald now, which is, comparatively, a good thing. That buzz with all the loose hair was so itchy, especially under the wig. I'm a fidgety person on any given day, and I couldn't stop picking at the loose hair. It's much better now.

Wish me luck. Ken is leaving for Vegas early tomorrow morning, and I'll have to manage. My mom is coming tomorrow for the day, and Jill is coming Tuesday. This might just be crazy, but I've accepted a subbing assignment for Wednesday! The doctors want me to get out there and continue to be part of the world. I'll give it a shot! Ken will be home late Thursday night.

Well, time to go see if I can eat something.

Alright, I'll write!

Whew! Number two is over! Jill and I did get our shamrock shakes, with fries. Jill you're a baaad influence. But what the hey, I never eat like that. That shake was totally worth it, and so were the fries.

The hospital visit was long. I waited 20 minutes to get my labs, then it took 25 minutes, at least to check them. Don't know why it was running so slow. I didn't see Dr. Fox because poor guy is at Megan's Bay or Coki Point at St. Thomas. Those gorgeous beaches might hurt his eyes, poor thing. I spent time with Sara the NP, and that was fine. She agreed to add Attivan to my IV, which was nice. Benedryl and Attivan ... obviously I would not have been able to drive home!

The nurse who came to give me the IV started off by noticing all the places I'd already been poked and thought my veins must be bad. Then she inspected closer and saw all the previous mistakes. The veins are good, she insisted after that. I got all the drips, and I must've drifted in and out of sleep or something, because time passed quickly. However, during that 10-minute time period when I'm in danger of an allergic reaction to the taxotere, it happened. I didn't have the serious stop-breathing-turning-red reaction. Instead I had horrible hip and lower back pain. Nothing like I've ever experienced. Different (and not as bad) as the kidney stone or labor, but my pain level shot straight up to 7. That earned me an extra half hour of drip. They took off the taxotere and pumped me with more steroids before trying again. That time it went well, and the whole rest of the treatment went smoothly.

It's nice that up in the chemo suite there is always a basket of items donated by organizations for us to take. My first visit, I took a hat, and yesterday I chose two scarves. I'm about half bald now, very splotchy and weird looking. But I actually enjoy being home alone and able to wander around the house with nothing on my head.

Last night when we got back, Jill, Ken and I went for a 2-mile walk, I think that's the main reason I feel good now. With the ambien, I slept okay.

Okay, back to chemo. I have a whole bunch of meds to take this morning, though I feel fine (well, my tongue is starting to get numb), and then later Civia is coming to give me my neulasta shot. So far this is already better than last time. Let's hope for the best! I want to go back to subbing.

A Shamrock Shake

If McDonald's doesn't have them anymore, then Jill and I will treat ourselves to the even better mint chocolate chip milkshakes at Friendly's. Can't wait!

I think so far I am doing much better preparing for this treatment. Probably because this time I know what I'm doing. I realized that if I'm on steroids, I might as well make the most of it. So yesterday I got everything done. Hopefully there will be no bad smells here this time. Every drop of laundry is done, including the pajamas we wore last night. If I can't do laundry for a week, we're set! Also, I knew from experience that I wouldn't sleep without Ambien, so I got more than 6 hours last night.

Hopefully, if I'm able to prepare so much better, then Dr. Fox is as well. I take the Emend right before the milkshake, and then tomorrow is the neulasta shot. This will give me horrible bone pain, apparently, but I read that if I take Claritin I can circumvent some of that. Worth a try!

So I'm off to the hospital in a few hours, and my week of feeling good is just about done. Nerves haven't fully kicked in, I guess I'm keeping myself busy enough. But when it hits me, probably in the car, I'll worry about an allergic reaction, making sure the IV goes in right the first time, the results of the finger prick ... yeah, I'll enjoy the morning, first!

Oh, something to address: if you are one of the wonderful people bringing us food, and you read Jodi Picoult's new book, please pay no attention to her character's rant about "well-meaning people with casseroles" or whatever she says (I haven't read it yet). That mom might be beyond appreciation, but I am not. Please don't feel like you did the wrong thing. I know you want to help, and I wouldn't be able to come up with ideas on my own. The dinners mean a lot to us. That said, we have a lot in the freezer for next week and probably don't need anything. I sit online, though, when I can't do anything else. If you have any fun games you'd like to share, or if you'd like to email to say hi, that would be awesome!

I'll write as much as possible again during this treatment. Hopefully there will be less adventure. Enjoy your day and your weekend!

Love,
Michelle

I ran!

I love the third week.

Yesterday we all went to David Glass's bar mitzvah. I went late, in a separate car, in case I wouldn't be able to make it the whole day. But I did, and it was so wonderful. David did a fantastic job and the party was so much fun. Even though I felt okay, I rested when I got home just to be safe.

Today I've alternated resting and activity. Ken, Jonah and I went for a walk this afternoon to a neighborhood playground. After dinner we went to Allison's friend's house to pick her up. The friend lives less than half mile away, but Ken walks at such a fast pace I had to jog to keep up. I ran all the way to the friend's house and wasn't at all winded. This was my first time running since my diagnosis, and I really didn't expect to get farther than 15 yards. Okay, well I'm impressed with myself. If you want to read about serious running, try Jill's new blog. I don't have the link. Jill, can you post it in comments?

While trying to keep up with Ken on the way back, he pointed out that I rarely mention him here. Why is that? I guess I spend so much time in this bed, suffering the symptoms alone while Ken takes care of the kids and the house and his job, and even a sick, cranky me, and I have taken him for granted a bit. He's consistently there, and we've only seriously annoyed each other once in the past couple difficult weeks. I feel like he's lost sometimes, and he only tells me he's sad for me (especially about my hair). I wonder how it's affecting HIM. There are parts of even your wife you're not supposed to see, and this part of my head is a biggie. I tried to send him to a spouse support group, but the meeting was canceled. I tried to buy the book "The Breast Cancer Husband," but Border's was out of it. I'll order it for him tonight.

Speaking of my head, I'm starting to fall into routines with it. I don't expose my head, even in the house. I treat it like it's part of my naked body. Unless I'm changing or showering, I wear a hat most of the time. I wore a hat for my walks today. To go anywhere else I wear the wig, but then I end up leaving it on in the house for awhile. The kids seem to have adjusted well to the changes. I guess I've adjusted well enough, too. Your compliments help, because I actually believe you! I don't think I look so bad.

Now I just wait until Friday. Jill is taking me to Penn. It's a good thing she has a dog, because she might have to stick a leash on me to drag me out of the house. Starting all over with another treatment ... shudder.

Half Asleep

I'm barely awake, and hoping to fall back to sleep once Jason leaves for school in a few minutes (and you wouldn't believe the big, wet snowflakes sticking to the ground on this first day of spring!).

Yesterday afternoon I pulled a bit at the newly cropped hair at the back of my neck, and a clump came out. I went to the bathroom, and as I ran my hands through my hair I layered the bottom of the sink with it. It was next to impossible not to become sickly fascinated, and yet it was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I decided to take a shower, to see what might come of it, but I didn't lose too much more in there. Combing it afterward, another story.

So my appointment last night was just in time. Joe gave me the option of waiting a couple days. He said it would probably take until Sunday before it would look obvious. No. Last night was the time. When his daughter came at me with the clippers, though, I shrunk, unable to handle that first touch against my head. She offered to try to cut it down, and I thought that might soften the blow. But when she scissor-cut it short, I learned I will NEVER wear my hair that way. Ewww! By then I was ready for the buzz. A buzz cut actually looks better on me than short hair.

Joe returned with the wig, which I couldn't believe. It was the right color, but it was long and wavy, not at all what I wanted. Duh. He and his daughter style it ON my head. They shampooed it, then put it on me. Joe's daughter did all the styling, and when it was done ... wow. It was perfect. It's still weird, but it's perfect. After I left I had this odd feeling like I was looking out of someone else's eyes, but it passed after a glass of wine!

Now my "hair" is on a styrofoam head (high up, out of animal reach), and I should've known I wouldn't be able to sleep well my first night in a little purple cap. I haven't taken it off yet this morning, but I can't stop imagining the tiny pieces of hair that will be imbedded in it when I do. I've heard the pieces will look like ants. Ugh. I wonder if I'll be able to fall asleep.

Allison wrote an essay for school about how life is hard, and the whole thing was about me going through this whole experience. I wish my kids wouldn't be going through this. Childhood is difficult enough.

As for me. Yes, of course it's hard. This is the hardest part emotionally, even harder than what I sacrificed during the surgery. I'm trying to just keep looking forward. It's the first day of spring, and even though it is snowing my tulip stems have appeared and the pretty blue birds are back. It was a horrible winter. I've just sat here for five minutes typing thoughts about spring and then deleting them. I don't know what to think about spring this year. I don't know how to end this post. I am okay. I just don't know.

Sort of did it

So I made a ponytail, cut it off, and voila ... my hair looks almost exactly how it looks when I wear it shorter! I went to Barb's to show her, and she couldn't stop laughing. Now we're wondering why I ever need to go to a hairdresser, when all I really need to do is snip through a ponytail (which isn't as easy as it looks in Sixteen Candles). Now my ponytail is in my nightstand drawer, and my cute little bob has about 4.5 hours to go. My appointment with Joe is at 7 tonight. I called, and the wig is ready.

No fever in the past 24 hours ... good news! This morning I had my ducts cleaned. I wore a mask, and spent most of my time outside on the front porch, and then when I paid I got some sort of mouth spurting problem and explained to the poor guy (whose hair is cut exactly like mine) that I have cancer. Why! Poor guy couldn't get out of the house fast enough after that.

At this point, I guess I just lie around and avoid germs. I'm thinking my white blood count (WBC) must be increasing by now. It just must be. Not that I can take any chances, but it must be.

No fever, less hair

Yesterday afternoon I checked and it was 99.3. So I took a couple Tylenol and a two-hour nap, and when I woke up it was down to 97.3, which is about normal for me. Good! But to be safe, I didn't go out to Allison's birthday dinner. We all had cake together later, and it was fine, I guess. Today I slept really late, and woke up when Jonah whispered that Barb was downstairs cleaning the kitchen. Thanks, Barb! I'm hoping I'll stay okay. I'm being careful and trying hard, and sometimes not breaking my stride and being a warrior, and whatever other applicable "bad" '80s tunes, might mean sitting on my ass typing on the computer.

Last night I flat ironed my hair for the last time for a long time. When I was finished, I was surrounded by hair. Uh oh! It's not coming out in clumps, but it's coming out. Jonah just left for school, and I'm sitting here trying to decide how brave I am. I always said I would cut it first myself. But will I? Will a glass of wine strengthen my resolve? Should I really just put it in a ponytail and cut the whole thing at once? Or should I try to make it nice? Or should I wait until the last moment (tomorrow at this time)? Or should I just make an appointment with my hairdresser for tonight and let her do it? Nah, that's no fun. Plus, she can always fix it later if I can't live with it for 24 hours. Sheesh. Twenty-four hours. I don't even know if I'll leave the house in that amount of time. What's the big deal? I should just go cut it. Chop it. Maybe if I cut one big clump, then I'll have to keep going. My head is itching. It's almost like my scalp is whispering a message. "Hello, Michelle. I don't want hair anymore. I want to be free." Poor scalp, getting a wig so soon. How much longer can I make this paragraph? When the paragraph is over, I have to make a decision. What do you think you would do? Obviously I won't be able to rely on your advice, but it could make for some interesting comments. I'm running out of reasons to extend this.

Maybe later I'll have a picture to post. I promise that if I really do hack it off, I will post the picture even if it looks horrible. Wish me luck!

Update

Well, my white blood count is dangerously low. On the plus side, I don't have to go to the hospital. Sara (NP) says it will start to rebound in a few days. In the meantime, I have to avoid germs. Maybe I should go check into a hotel? Germs there, too. I'll just wash my hands every 10 minutes, as Sara suggested.

For my next treatment, I've earned myself a script for Emend (the REALLY good anti-nausea stuff), and a neulasta shot (for my blood counts). Hopefully I'll be in better shape after that.

No Break

If you type that your fever can't get past 100.4, then the next time you take it it will be 100.7. Luckily Dr. Fox didn't feel compelled to hospitalize me. I'm just on an antibiotic, and we're keeping an eye on my temp. I do not want to go to the hospital on Allison's birthday! She deserves her celebration. Hopefully I won't get the CBC results until tomorrow, because I know my counts must be low. In the meantime, I guess I feel a bit feverish, which is certainly preferable to many of the side effects. I don't feel like writing anymore.

Sick of me, yet?

I'm so tired of being tired, and I'm tired of kvetching. Every time I take a step forward, something knocks me back.

I didn't sleep again on Saturday night, so I know I need to rely on the sleeping pills for now. On the other hand, it was just as well, with the nosebleed that started, and settled into a nasal drip that lasted the entire day yesterday and into the night. By last night my glands were swollen and I had a fever, but luckily not the 100.4 fever required before I have to drag my ass back to Penn.

Other symptoms are definitely/finally dissipating. I can feel my tongue a bit now, and my stomach feels settled. I didn't take a single nausea or stomach pill yesterday. I think if I didn't have this nasal issue I'd feel pretty normal (it feels like I have a cold that involves a constant burning feeling in my nose). I'm going to get my blood levels checked this morning. That will be a big step, and should lead to some answers. I bet my blood count is somewhat low. Let's just hope it's not too low, or I will end up in the hospital. Everything is about not ending up in the hospital.

The purple is almost entirely washed out of my hair. It's okay. I'm not yet feeling like I'm losing any hair, anywhere. I'm not even finding an increased number of hairs coming out during a shower. I don't have any of the pre-loss sensations (either tingling, or the feeling of a too-tight ponytail). I wonder if I would've lost it this week. It's still better to be proactive.

rough times

I'm starting to wonder if I'll never want to look at this blog again once it's done.

I wrote on Thursday, right? Thursday night sucked. I developed diarrhea, and horrible stomach cramps, so instead of taking the sleeping pill (would've been a bad idea under the circustances), I was up all night. Yesterday I felt so sick all day, but the evening was the worst. My friend brought this yummy dinner, and I just looked at it and cried. By last night I had a mini-pharmacy by my bedside. I've never needed many meds, and I'm making up for it now. Lots of OTC stuff: Immodium, Advil, Phazyme, plus the anxiety meds, the anti-nausea script and the sleeping pills. Crazy. And I don't know if one is offsetting the other, or what.

But today I awoke feeling a bit better. All I needed this morning was the anti-nausea. I was still unhappy, so I just sat in bed. And sat. And sat. And sat. (Have you ever read Once Upon a Potty? I was just like Josh/Prudence.) I tried to go to Target this morning while Jason was at services, but I couldn't fathom walking around the whole store. So I left without getting out of the car. Back at home, I sat again. Finally (hours later) it occurred to me that I could probably walk, and the air was really good today (about 50 degrees and calm). So I walked to Barb's house, where Ken and Jonah were celebrating Tommy's birthday at his party! It was nice to get there. As much as I need to write odes to my hair, Barb deserves them, too. And of course she put together a beautiful party. So I feel a bit better. I had my old walking music playing on my iPod, and I did something good for me (Barb lives just shy of a mile from here). If I walk everyday, maybe I can build myself up better before the next treatment and have a less hellish experience.

Sorry, no dog or driving adventures today. But: I've posting on this awesome message board for breast cancer patients starting chemo this month. The ones who started in the first days of the month are now losing/chopping off their hair, and they look so fantastic. One had really long blond hair, but not much of a style to it. The short short cut made her blue eyes twinkle and showed off her cheekbones. Another woman has sons, and she let them cut her hair. They gave her a mohawk, then put "piercings" through her nose and eyebrows. She's a 40something-year-old accountant! Unfortunately there are way too many women on that board, but they're from all over the world. Do you know that in Australia you can get a foot massage with your chemo treatments?

Thursday (I give up)

I called the doctor today. How am I supposed to know what to take for a headache. I don't even think it's a chemo headache, considering it's March and the weather has been crazy. Probably allergies. I also got a prescription for sleeping pills, which I've never needed before. But not sleeping at night is making me crazy (though I did get six straight hours last night).

Last night my tastebuds returned briefly, and I felt like celebrating. Today, cotton mouth again, buds have diminished gradually. Otherwise, I feel better. I went to Target. I bought myself new jeans, but they fit weird. My body is different, definitely. I guess I won't be able to wear that brand anymore. I also bought a few fitted tops, including one with a bit of cleavage. Do you think I'll wear it? Who knows. The iced cafe mocha from Starbucks was so disappointing. I might as well just live on broccoli or something. Sorry, I'm only miserable at this very moment, and I'm only writing right now because I don't feel like getting up.

I should start mentioning now that Allison's birthday is Tuesday. I've never known a person who absorbs attention the way she does, so feel free to contact her if you know how. She'll love it! I can't believe it's been a year since her bat mitzvah. Sometimes I look at my kids and feel so amazed. And why are they so big? Even Jason and I are now eye-to-eye! Speaking of Jason, he's told a few of his friends about me, and today I got a hand-made get well card from a girl he's been friends with since first grade. Isn't that sweet?

Oh, I have my appointment with Joe the wig guy: next Thursday at 7 pm. I hope my hair lasts that long. It's supposed to. I kind of want to cut it off myself before I even go there, just so I'm the one to do it. I still want to keep it in a ponytail holder and stroke it when I would normally run my hands through my hair. Ahhh ... I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about my hair in the next week. Gosh, it's just so thick and lovely. It deserves odes. If only I had any understanding of poetry. Shall I compare my hair to a summer day?

Days 4 and 5 (I think!)

Was Friday Day 0 or Day 1? I'm still confused.

I'll start with Monday night, because I somehow dragged myself out of here and went to a "Look Good, Feel Better" workshop. This is separate from, but connected to, the American Cancer Society. It was a seminar on how to put on makeup during chemo, and they gave advice about tying scarves and such. It appears that if you get cancer you are entitled to $200 of free makeup. Good stuff! Chanel, Bobbi Brown, Estee Lauder, Mary Kay ... I wish I wasn't too tired to appreciate it. The woman who ran it asked about my hair. She said I don't look like I'd have purple hair. Ya think? Oh, Jill took me to the seminar. Thanks, Jill!

Yesterday may have been the strangest sick day of my life. I couldn't really do anything, but I did 5 loads of laundry, the dishes, and some vacuuming. It seemed I couldn't sit still, either. I was kind of jumping out of my skin, forcing myself to eat tasteless food, trying to keep drinking water, which also tastes bad. My dogs had an adventure: they were in the yard, and after awhile I heard Rudy whining at the front door. Never a good sign. So I let him in, but where was Molly? She never leaves Rudy. So I went to the back door, but when I saw the massive shredded rabbit in the yard I backed away from the door. Out the front door, I called for Molly and she didn't come, or even bark. So, I feared, this would be the day I'd finally find my dog lying in Union Mill Road. I ran up there calling (and you know I was in my ugliest pajamas), but thank G-d she wasn't there. Finally I talked myself into revisiting the back door. Yup, there she was, waiting happily to rejoin our house. Ken took care of the rabbit after Jason and Anthony inspected it for awhile.

Last night I didn't sleep again. I don't know why I can only seem to sleep for about 30 minutes at a time all the sudden, but it's not good. If I could sleep, I could miss all this chemo stuff, but no. I get to experience it at 4 am, 4:20 am, etc. But today I got my van to the dealer, where they fixed the door ... drumroll ... for free! My power door is now working! Yay! One less stress. I did get some napping in today, and I got to be Civia's daughter's "special person" at Adath. I may feel a little better, but it'd be easier to tell if I'd slept last night.

My refrigerator stinks. Ken cleaned it, and it still stinks. I guess everything stinks. Yeah, I think that's it! Except you guys, of course. Thank you for your kind notes, and wonderful dinners, etc. Ira, I almost called you at 4 am. Hugh, just keep updating Sophie pictures! And Anita, do you read this? I don't know if you read this, but I have to call attention to the fact that every single week when I get your card in the mail I have a nice little giggle. I love you! And of course, Barb ... you ROCK!

Day 3 Sucks

I was warned it would, and it does. I'm so tired, all I've done is eat an english muffin and take a shower. My fingers are so tingly, the keyboard feels weird. I can't keep drinking all this water. It's awful. And naturally, my skin is breaking out. It's harder to control the nausea without the Zofram. The one thing I wasn't warned about are the dreams. I'm having terrible, freaky dreams. I can't escape. Day 4 will be better, right? I wish it could be Wednesday now, and I could be writing about how much better I'm feeling. Sorry to bum everyone out. This too shall pass ...

Day 2 again?

I guess this is really Day 2, because I just got off the drip two days ago. My brain is fine, honestly ...

Last night I slept, finally. I woke up with just the tiniest drop of nausea this morning, took a Zofram and it vanished instantly. Tonight is my last Zofram pill, but I've got other stuff in case I need it tomorrow. The flu symptoms have come on a bit, but I'm working through them. With the beautiful weather I've been walking around the block a lot. Barb was nice enough to come walk with me today, and yesterday I walked with the boys.

I'm spending a lot of time in bed, and it smells like a hospital in here. It probably has for months and I'd just never noticed. I'm smelling everything. I had to make Ken wash the dogs' paws earlier because they smelled like earth from the backyard. On the other hand, food doesn't taste like much of anything. My mouth feels exactly like I burned it on hot soup or coffee about two hours ago. I have a slightly metallic taste, not horrible. But I have to use my imagination and my heightened sense of smell to taste food.

Miralax. I think I'll need lots of it. Or even something stronger. Well, we'll see what happens tomorrow. This is amazing: an entire post in about 10 minutes!

Day 2

I'll try to update each day this week. Perhaps someone in the future that you know will go through this, and you can direct her here and she'll find this helpful. Who knows.

So yesterday Ken and I got to Perelman at 1, but we were a couple minutes late for the appointment because I stopped in the store to buy a sleep hat. I'll get a scarf or two, also, for wearing around the house. At Perelman, I got a blood stick in my finger first, then I met with Dr. Fox and Sara, the NP. She shot information at me so rapid fire, I wouldn't have been able to keep up even if I'd remembered my notebook. Hopefully it is all common sense, like she said.

Next stop, the suite. I had Ken take a couple pictures of me in there, so I'll add one, of course. I had a big "comfy" lounger, but Ken just had a regular chair. There was a tv, but no DVD. We watched DVDs on my computer. They did not bring snacks or anything, so Ken brought me soup at one point during the drip. I burned my tongue, which was pretty stupid considering everyone said my tongue would feel burnt soon.

I cried for a split second when I got the IV, just because I was so terrified. If I hadn't been terrified, it wouldn't have been bad at all. It went in with no trouble. I had five bags of fluid. The first and second were things like Zofram (for nausea) and benedryl and decadron (steroid). Then saline, and then the taxotere. That was the biggie. The nurse asked exactly how I felt, and then stayed with me for the first 10 minutes when it was administered in case I turned out to be allergic. She said it would be obvious if I was: I'd feel sharp stomach pains, or shortness of breath, or tremendous itching. Luckily, none of that occurred, and the time passed uneventfully. The last bag was cytoxan, and then we went home, with me trying to imagine possible symptoms I probably didn't really feel. But it was odd, anyway.

This morning I just wish I'd been able to sleep last night. I'm tired, but like I didn't sleep, not like I have the flu, which is how Sara expected me to feel. I have to go eat breakfast and take a bunch of pills when I finish writing this. I feel like I could eat. We're having beautiful weather today, and I'm hoping to make it out for a walk.

I was poisoned yesterday, and I guess now I'm just waiting for it to kick in and do something to me. I'll let you know when it does! Or maybe Ken will, I don't know.

Bang Bang ... I am a Warrior!

Boy, it's been too long. I'd been thinking I really haven't had much to say, but for this blog that's good news, isn't it! Physically, I'm able to do almost everything I could do before. I can walk fast for a long distance, I can reach things on top of the refrigerator, I can curl up in a ball and fall asleep like that, etc. I'm not even itching much. I look about the same as I did pre-surgery, except maybe a bit happier knowing I'm past that huge hump. My attitude is really good right now. I feel strong and I healed well from something huge. Last week I had Matthew Wilder's "Break my Stride" playing in my head, and this week it's Pat Benatar's "Warrior."

Yesterday I went to Wu's office for my six-week follow-up. Yes, yesterday. During the snow storm. I don't mind driving in the snow, and I was NOT missing that appointment. I left four kids at home (including Allison's friend) and went. It was a completely uneventful drive. On the way there I thought maybe I would have another highway anecdote to write, but no. It was just snowing, and on the way home the roads were clear. The plus side was that I was about the only patient to not cancel yesterday's appointments. Wu saw me almost immediately. She was pleased, and released me to do everything I want to do. I see her again in 6 weeks just to make sure everything is going okay, but in the meantime I could (in theory) go to the gym, or run. I can carry the laundry and the vacuum cleaner. I went home and shoveled snow!

Friday is my big chemo day. On Thursday, Friday and Saturday I have to take steroids, and I'll be at the office for about three hours for the TC drip. I'm a bit nervous, but probably not as much as I should be. The surgery had to be worse, right? My hair. I've been mentally preparing myself for three months. I don't think there's much more I can do. I've noticed I keep touching my hair. I want Joe (the wig guy) to give it back to me after he cuts it. I want to have it here, even if it's not on my head. Ugh, now I'm getting a bit too sentimental.

Finally, last week I went to a support group meeting. There was a guest speaker, an oncologist, and it was interesting to hear how different medications are handled for different people. Some of the women were all decked out in survivor regalia, and some looked just like everyone else walking down the street. I bought myself a pink ribbon t-shirt from the breast cancer site (I think that's what it's called), and I wore it on Saturday. This isn't exactly a secret. I guess I don't care who knows, as long as it's not much of a conversation topic. Lately I just say, "I have breast cancer, but it will be fine." Let's move on ...