Confusion?

I keep writing posts, whether in my head or on the computer, and then getting rid of them.  I have no subject for tonight, but I continue to have that feeling that I'm schlepping around with something stupid and exhausting.  For now I'll post an update and see if it provides any relief. 

I go to group therapy twice or three times a week.  My health insurance pays for a limited number of visits, so I'm trying to space them out to make this experience last longer.  This week I went on Monday and yesterday.  Working in a group is so extraordinary.  If I don't want to focus on myself, someone else needs that focus.  I think I'm realizing for the first time that I'm in a heap of doo doo.  I'd just been figuring these are my problems, like everyone has problems.  But my problems really suck, and there isn't easy advice.  It made me feel sorry for myself for a couple days.  I hope I'm past that now.  I thought it would be no big deal to talk in group, because, after all, I write everything in a blog.  However, it feels different when people are hearing the whole story at once and I talk mostly about the part that most affects me.  I'm getting advice on what I need, and I find the people to be comforting.  I also may like that we're all somehow damaged, and that slowly but surely, people are healing.  This place is terrific. 

Cancer is bugging me.  My chemo break is over already.  I had a treatment yesterday, and it seemed to take forever.  Not feeling wonderful today, and I'm teaching kindergarten.  I feel like my energy continues to decrease, and I don't know why.  People ask, "How are you?" and I really have no idea.  I answer with a noncommittal, "Okay."  Not satisfying to anyone.  People continue to be lovely, just taking their anger out on politics, it seems.  I'm definitely angry, and I can't identify that, either.  But watch out, because I can be pretty moody, and also downright mean.  I delete the posts, but the sentiments float in the stratosphere.  Maybe I even mean them, but I certainly don't mean them to be public ... or phrased so harshly ... or whatever.

I'm so tired.  And I still haven't discovered why I'm writing this blog entry.  Jonah wants me to tuck him in.  I guess I'll give this a rest for tonight.  And me.