Me Again!

August 5, I guess that was my last full day on the other side of the window, looking out at the healthy world. The final treatment was such a relief, followed by a fantastic lunch at my favorite restaurant (Buddakan!). The folks at Hahnemann were so wonderful, I posed for pictures with them. Here we are:

The top one is in the radiation room, with the techs. Boy, I wish I'd ever remembered their names. I think one is Kelly. The bottom picture is Dr. Komarnicky, me, and my mom. Don't ask why she's wearing a raincoat. I haven't taken a picture of my hair in a couple weeks, but it doesn't look much different. I'm guessing it's about 3/4 of an inch "long." It's getting thicker everyday, and hopefully I'll feel comfortable dyeing it soon.

Anyway, no depression issues as I walked back out into the world, as befalls so many. In some ways, it already feels like it all happened a long time ago. Sometimes I think it wasn't so bad, and other times it seems like it must've happened to someone else. I have my souvenirs, of course. Battle scars, whatever. And my paranoia about every little thing, which is one reason I have three doctors appointments in the next two weeks. I have two spots on my body I want looked at, and can you believe it's been almost 4 months since my last chemo? It's time to follow up with Dr. Fox. Then I have to head back to my primary, because apparently my thyroid is elevated. Probably meds.

I'm still fighting mild sleepiness. I was more tired on radiation than I am now, but I don't feel perfect. Jason and I are now running together, getting ready for our big 8K run in November (coincides with the Philly marathon, but we'll be very proud of our five miles!).

Tamoxifen = nothing. I guess I have a drop of achiness? Not sure. No hot flashes! Is that good? Or does that mean it's not working? I don't miss hot flashes, at any rate. Effexor instead of Zoloft has turned out to be a change for the better. Although I do have a bit of anxiety creeping into my days, and for the past few days I've been positively jumping out of my skin: I had a really good interview for a sixth grade teaching job on Monday, and now I'm waiting ... waiting ... waiting. This is kind of right where I started, right? Waiting stinks. This time I could get very good news. With cancer, there's really no such thing.

Anyway, here's the thing, the big thing: I'm pretty much completely me again. Not like me, but as a cancer patient. It doesn't feel like that. It's just me, going through yet another season hunting for the elusive tenure track teaching job, focusing on money problems, relationship issues, my kids, trying to get/keep fit. My life, only it turns out to be so much better than I would've thought last year. I guess it's not about stopping to smell the roses, but maybe stopping to notice that the laundry you do all day smells good when it's finished.

Where Was I?

Tomorrow is my last day of radiation. My last day of cancer treatment, hopefully ever. From now on it's just follow-ups, except for that last little breast surgery. My last day of treatment. After finishing the chemo and not being happy about it, I was afraid I'd feel odd about leaving radiation, too. But ... NO! I'm ready to go off on my own and take care of myself. I went to my new primary doctor today for a checkup, and I seem to be completely healthy. I'd always thought of myself as completely healthy, even when I had a sinus infection or something like that. I'd think of myself as a healthy person with a sinus infection. I'm not going to let a stupid little thing like cancer rob me of that feeling forever.

So what's next: Well, I have to train for that 8K race Jill is making me do in November. I have to figure out what to do with this blog. I have to get ready for Jason's bar mitzvah, and Lori and Dave's WEDDING! I still have to get a job. I have to get my emotions in check and keep my weight down while taking Tamoxifen. Most of all, I have to focus on my kids, all starting new educational journeys. Allison goes off to high school in a month, Jason to a new school, and Jonah to first grade. I don't know where I want to be when it comes to cancer.

I sort of want to forget this whole past year happened (last night was a year since my baseline mammogram showed a problem). All along I thought I'd want to embrace the whole survivor mentality, become involved and vigilant, etc. Now I realize I was just so immersed in breast cancer I couldn't envision a future that didn't involve it. And in some cases it's true. I'm physically scarred, and probably emotionally as well. I don't know if I want to remain involved in breast cancer other than doing a walk here and there. However, if you know someone who is diagnosed and is scared, this blog will be available to read, whether I continue to write in it or not. And you can give out my phone number or email address to anyone who needs guidance from a survivor.

On Monday I went out without anything covering my head but my baby soft, very short hair. What a freaking relief. So here is my picture, taken this morning (not yesterday), by Jason! A nice change to not have to do it myself. I didn't post last week's picture, because the week got away from me with the STEP shows and visits and other stuff. There's certainly a big difference in two weeks.

Wine, or is it Whine

There was plenty of both for me last week. I decided I'd better deal with my insurance copays, and it didn't go well. It's not like I owe $40K or something that horrible, but even the $3500 we do owe is a big stretch for us right now. We're refinancing the house, and we'll fold that into the new mortgage. I just want it to be gone. Even more, I want a job for fall. I hate this instability, and I have it on all sides. I look at children sometimes, and wonder if I could end up being their teacher. There are no jobs. Hopefully ads will pop up in August, but right now I'm just spinning my wheels and feeling incredibly restless. Exhausted, but restless.

On the other hand, I'm starting to look like me again. I took the picture of myself on Tuesday, as per usual, but even since then I've noticed I've really grown some eyebrows. Just today I woke up, and burst into tears when I saw I finally have some brows. It's still odd when that rush of emotion hits me like a brick. I don't know I feel victimized by something, but when it becomes part of the past, then I realize I endured and survived, and then I cry for the poor victim I didn't even realize I was. I've just stopped counting weeks since my last chemo treatment, I think it's been 11 or 12 weeks now. But I still marvel at the sensations of taste, and the radiation sleepiness I feel in the afternoons in no way rivals the chemo stupor.

On Monday I saw Dr. Wu, who is impressed with my radiated skin. I don't even have any redness! It really is something. The skin is just a bit tender to touch, and that's the only way I even know anything is even happening. I was hoping to get an appointment for nipple surgery, but she said I must wait six months after finishing radiation. So I made an appointment for January 25, which is one year and four days after my surgery. I tried to get in on the anniversary, but no such luck.

Shout outs to all my friends and family. I love you.

Reading

I've read four or five novels in the past week, which is a lot of reading even for the most passionate reader within me. Between novels I picked up Susan Love's Breast Book, and ended up in a chapter about statistical chances of recurrence. Shouldn't have done that. I don't really understand all of the information and now I'm worried my prognosis isn't as good as I think. I guess I'm just destined to freak out every now and then. So I'm trying to get it back together, continue to live and enjoy it. But I'm busy, and tired, and broke, which puts a damper on enjoyment at any time, anyway. And that's the end of my complaint.

Things at home hadn't been going well for awhile, but it all seems to be improving. Maybe we just needed summer to de-stress. Even with everyone going to camp or work and me going to the hospital everyday, it's an easier schedule than school. Even with Jonah going to football twice a week and Allison going to band practice and trombone lessons, and volunteering at the library. And now we have something amazing coming up: we're going back to Ridin-Hy Ranch with our friends/cousins! Thanks so much to Ken's parents for making it possible. We REALLY need a vacation, and their generosity is making a huge difference in our family's life. The kids will also go to the Poconos with Charlie and Libby, so lots of mountain air and relaxation next month.

Oh yeah, radiation. It's still going okay. Tomorrow is the halfway mark, and so far I don't notice any difference. I lie on an uncomfortable table with one arm raised over my head for 8 minutes at the most, with green beams stretched across the walls and ceiling, and then I'm done. I don't have any pain (anymore) or redness at the sight, and I think I'm mostly tired because I need to catch up on sleep after catching the midnight showing of Harry Potter. This is definitely the easiest phase of cancer treatment. It's mostly waiting around, which is partly how I'm reading so much.

Anyway, I started using shampoo instead of soap today! I just went out and bought a trial size bottle of baby shampoo, and with the tiny drop I need to use each day it could last for weeks. Here I am! Any difference since last week? It feels like it, but I don't know if you can see it.

Tuesday Again

I am so tired, but I don't know if it's strictly from radiation, or if it's because somehow this summer seems busier than every other summer. I could barely finish a two-mile walk last night, and usually I can walk at least three miles without giving it a second thought. I hope it's just the radiation. I'm also having intermittent throbbing pain in one area, enough that I asked to see Dr. Komarnicky yesterday. She said everything looks and feels right, and some people just get this. She recommended Advil. Okay.

Going there everyday is an adventure. I drive like a bitch. I finally got a "cancer sucks" ribbon for my back bumper. Fits my mood precisely. I have been in a foul mood. I've been trying not to bother anyone with it, but I lose it on Route 38. East, west, east west. Yesterday Ken took the day off and drove, and I thought that would help ... no, I just backseat drove the whole time. Today I wore my wig to my treatment (did an in-person resume drop later in the afternoon) and the parking guys didn't seem to recognize me. They were really busy, anyway, and their system stinks. I was late for my appointment because I couldn't get a ticket stub. The receptionists made a big fuss over me with hair, but I think people generally look at me differently when I wear the wig. I think something about me comes across as fake, even though the wig looks so much like hair. It's strange.

Anyway, I have to take Jonah to his first football practice in a minute (boy, is he excited!), so here are two pictures for this week. I think I could call myself a not-quite-bald person now!

Feeling so NEGATIVE

And it's a wonderful thing! Negative, as in I DON'T HAVE THE BRAC GENE MUTATIONS! Jill, Lori and Allison will always be at a slightly increased risk for breast cancer, but they can't have a 60-80% chance of getting it. No prophylactic mastectomies in their future, thank G-d.

Still leaves me with the question, why? What made me get this? What wrong thing happened in my body, and what made it happen? I'm a person whose cells get screwed up, and I want to know how to keep it from happening elsewhere. It can't just be diet, can it?

Enjoy the long weekend. Join us for fireworks in Medford tomorrow night! Freedom Park, lots of fun.

Radiation Begins

The first appointment went smoothly, and I learned two good things: 1) Reading Terminal Market is two blocks away from the hospital, and 2) they'll give me enough cream samples that I shouldn't have to buy any the whole six weeks. I thought I was good, but on Sunday night I couldn't sleep. I felt an unnamed anxiety creeping in and taking over, and yet I couldn't identify it. Ken asked, "Are you nervous about tomorrow?" Yes, that was it. So I didn't sleep most of the night, but I avoided Ambien or Xanax. Better to just wait it out sometimes. I'm so tired of meds.

The radiation itself is fine so far. I don't feel a thing. I might be starting to get a little red in one area of my breast, but I'm constantly itchy anyway and could be imagining it. The coming and going is more of an adventure than the radiation. I drive down 38, which is just a kind of obstacle course to me, and then I have been using the valet parking. Yesterday I remembered to tell the guy I'd only be 15 minutes, so he left my car in front of the building. Cool!

My Sister's Keeper was okay for a movie version of a book, but if you're expecting the book ending you'll be sorely disappointed. Sorely. The movie ending was completely different, and kind of terrible. And boring. And long. A few of my book club friends didn't weep at all. That's saying something! Later, though, I realized it had affected me, looking at the way they made up the girl playing Kate as she was dying of leukemia. It's etched in my mind. I've seen two family members during their last week of life, rotted away by cancer (my aunt -- by marriage -- had breast cancer). Actually, they were a mother and son, more than 20 years apart. I don't want to go there. I hope Aunt Bernie and Ben are resting in peace, because they didn't have it at the end of their lives. It's a terrible death. Gary Papa, Farrah Fawcett ... so terrible.

Tomorrow I finally get the results to my BRAC test. I'm nervous, and I imagine my mom and sisters are as well. I haven't really explained it to Allison, and she doesn't read this blog. There was an article in a local magazine last month. If you could find out if you were at extremely high risk of getting cancer, would you want to know. Many said no! How could you not want to know, to make changes to avoid it? But I guess it's tough to hear. Wish me luck tomorrow.

Oh, here's my hair picture of the week. Some (including Jonah) have asked why it's coming in white. Why? Because when you spend months freaking out about cancer and kids and money, I guess it turns your hair white! Seriously, I have heard it starts out that way, and should end up darker later.