Half Asleep

I'm barely awake, and hoping to fall back to sleep once Jason leaves for school in a few minutes (and you wouldn't believe the big, wet snowflakes sticking to the ground on this first day of spring!).

Yesterday afternoon I pulled a bit at the newly cropped hair at the back of my neck, and a clump came out. I went to the bathroom, and as I ran my hands through my hair I layered the bottom of the sink with it. It was next to impossible not to become sickly fascinated, and yet it was one of the most frightening moments of my life. I decided to take a shower, to see what might come of it, but I didn't lose too much more in there. Combing it afterward, another story.

So my appointment last night was just in time. Joe gave me the option of waiting a couple days. He said it would probably take until Sunday before it would look obvious. No. Last night was the time. When his daughter came at me with the clippers, though, I shrunk, unable to handle that first touch against my head. She offered to try to cut it down, and I thought that might soften the blow. But when she scissor-cut it short, I learned I will NEVER wear my hair that way. Ewww! By then I was ready for the buzz. A buzz cut actually looks better on me than short hair.

Joe returned with the wig, which I couldn't believe. It was the right color, but it was long and wavy, not at all what I wanted. Duh. He and his daughter style it ON my head. They shampooed it, then put it on me. Joe's daughter did all the styling, and when it was done ... wow. It was perfect. It's still weird, but it's perfect. After I left I had this odd feeling like I was looking out of someone else's eyes, but it passed after a glass of wine!

Now my "hair" is on a styrofoam head (high up, out of animal reach), and I should've known I wouldn't be able to sleep well my first night in a little purple cap. I haven't taken it off yet this morning, but I can't stop imagining the tiny pieces of hair that will be imbedded in it when I do. I've heard the pieces will look like ants. Ugh. I wonder if I'll be able to fall asleep.

Allison wrote an essay for school about how life is hard, and the whole thing was about me going through this whole experience. I wish my kids wouldn't be going through this. Childhood is difficult enough.

As for me. Yes, of course it's hard. This is the hardest part emotionally, even harder than what I sacrificed during the surgery. I'm trying to just keep looking forward. It's the first day of spring, and even though it is snowing my tulip stems have appeared and the pretty blue birds are back. It was a horrible winter. I've just sat here for five minutes typing thoughts about spring and then deleting them. I don't know what to think about spring this year. I don't know how to end this post. I am okay. I just don't know.