What next.

A year ago I posted that I didn't want to complain.  So what can I say?  This August has been rather difficult.  Still opinion.  Shoot, I can't do it.

I got good news on the cancer front:  my tumor markers dipped to an all-time low of 47.5.  I think that will remain the low, because my stress level keeps increasing, and I know how bad it is for me.  I'm having nerve pain, stomach aches, nose bleeds, and back pain. 

Humans must be tested, and this month I am continually tested.  I feel like I'm failing.  I am failing.  Falling, failing.  There's a reason the two words sound and look so similar.  I have never suffered from depression, and now I'm filled with self pity and hopelessness.  I think how selfish that is of me, and that adds another dimension of horror.  When I think things can't get worse, they get worse.  I'm worried sick about Jonah, just because he's the only one so far who remains unscathed. 

For most people, the answer is to make lifestyle changes.  That is not an option for me at this point.  I'm limited in what I can do to have any positive effect on this situation, and truthfully I'm too paralyzed half the time to even consider making an effort.  What is easy for me is to make a decision to give up.  All I have to do is give up my treatment, stop paying the stupid copays, and sometime soon after I'll just wither away, stop taking up space and worrying others.  It's really the next logical step, considering it seems the world is trying its best to kick me out of it.

I do think of what I still have:  people.  Barb is checking on me constantly.  Charlie and Libby have talked me into visiting them in Florida next week.  Other friends and family members are contacting me more than usual.  My boys.  I have my boys.  I never understood before how people could willingly leave behind those they love, those who need them.  Now I understand.  It's not a matter of their need, because it's possible to become convinced that everyone on earth will be better off without the horrible negativity I bring into a room.

Well, I'm not going anywhere.  I'm not even scheduled to have another chemo treatment until September 10.  By then maybe some miracles will occur.  Who knows.