As a child I was unsure how my future would look, but I was determined that I would have a certain lifestyle, and that I would probably find that lifestyle in Los Angeles. My aims all led away from materialism toward a more holistic, almost hippie society. My home would be comfortable, and certainly not so big I would want someone else to clean it. My friends would be earthy and smart, never noticing what I wore as long as I wore something. I would drive a VW bug, preferably a convertible. I would teach ESL to native Spanish speakers, sitting under a courtyard tree on nice spring days. And I would have children who questioned me about the world and rolled their eyes at me as teens. I didn't care whether or not there was a husband in the picture, because the key idea was that I was going to be independent. Money didn't factor in at all, because I didn't think I would need much for my lifestyle. In my vision, everyone was well adjusted and comfortable, and we always had enough of everything.
So as a young adult I promptly moved to Los Angeles, where reality quickly slapped me in the face. Los Angeles was hardly the utopia I expected. It was expensive, mostly dirty, more materialistic than most places on earth, and you couldn't even expect to see a blue sky. To top it off, I hadn't become a teacher and wouldn't in LA, where teachers routinely moonlighted at supermarkets because they couldn't survive on their incomes. It was important to have a super comfortable car, because that's where people in LA live their lives, conduct their business, drink their coffee. A bug wouldn't cut it. I did make good friends who were smart and earthy, who didn't care what I wore, but in the long run I got married and decided my husband and I should raise kids on the East Coast, where education seemed to be a bigger priority.
True to myself, I did not even consider financial security when I married Ken, and our salaries were about the same. We didn't know we would need more until Allison was born and I was too enamored to return to a job that kept me away from home 12 hours a day. So I worked at Macy's, threw newspapers, and started mystery shopping. I learned that one way or another I could add to our family income and make sure we would stay above water. I moved farther from the lifestyle I had wanted as I got entrenched in parenting and started appreciating nice things. Ken's income more than doubled with a new job, and we were able to save enough to buy a bigger house, secure in the knowledge that we could afford it.
We did great for quite awhile, until Ken took another new job with a slightly lower starting salary at a more secure company. He was promised the world, so we waited for the world. I was in grad school and assumed I'd soon have a full-time teaching job, so if we needed credit cards to pay for things sometimes it would be okay. But in nearly five years Ken never got a raise as prices for everything rose. I not only never got a full-time teaching job with benefits, I became unable to work full-time. Life became a giant mess and we couldn't get caught up. Last year I sighed and spent the last of our savings on some medical bill I can't even remember. And then two weeks ago Ken unexpectedly lost his job.
We're looking at all of our options as Ken searches furiously for work. It seems certain we'll have to sell our house, even though the market isn't good here. I'm finally applying for social security disability and other aid. I hadn't wanted to do that when I felt I could still be self-sufficient, but I'll never be able to handle a full-time job unless I somehow make it to remission and don't need further treatments. So though it breaks my heart, I'm left to count on our biggest blessing in this life, a blessing that generally makes up for everything else: friends. My father created a fundraising web site for me so that we will be able to pay for COBRA health insurance. Without the COBRA I don't get treatment and would probably last about 6 painful months. I find it embarrassing to suddenly not be self sufficient, but exceptionally grateful that in just over one day enough has been collected to pay for more than one month of COBRA. Friends, friends of friends, family, friends of family, all contributing to save me, to save my family. It's beyond overwhelming. Thank G-d for your generosity and love. Thank G-d for everyday I have in the world with you lovely people beside me. I had gotten to the point at which I wanted to give up and let my family live off my life insurance, and now I want to fight for my life and my productivity. You're keeping me here, and I'm going to somehow make it worth it.
August was horrible, but in the end I'm lucky anyway. Here is a link to the fundraising page: https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/6MBPa?srid=2162027f2dae4a1b82c59ba6bb992829#.UETZm0iu5X4.facebook
Monday, September 3, 2012
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