Drive

Do I need to update about the tests from Wednesday?  Most of you saw on facebook, right?  Okay, then very quickly:  I had a CT of my abdomen that looked exactly like the scan I had in January.  Which is a good thing.  I had MRIs of my brain and my pelvis.  No news is good news on the pelvic scan.  Fox didn't have those results yet when I saw him, but said he didn't expect to find anything amiss.  The brain scan looked perfect, no brain cancer.  Just some more of those healed bone pieces on my skull.  Apparently I had cancer all over my bones?  I'm not asking, he's not telling.  My tumor marker was back up into the 80s, but that's only a slight increase that Dr. Fox said he won't take seriously unless there's another increase in 4 weeks.  One slight increase could have more to do with the lab than with my health.

It's a gorgeous day, but here I sit.  It took 3 advil to get any rest, which I finally got in the morning.  The chemo is numbing my tongue today, which probably just means I'm not drinking enough water, but I'm also a bit nauseous.  I want to go out for a walk.  I want to write.  I have mental drive to do go for the walk, but my body is not on board at the moment.  So I write. 

I need to eat better, but I don't want to do the research.  I don't want to switch to all the foods that are better.  I'm resistant to giving up sugar.  Food worries cause me stress, and I'm not supposed to have stress.  But of course, my entire existence is wracked with stress at the moment.  Which worries me.  I took a meditation CD from the chemo suites, and I even took off the plastic.  But I haven't listened to it.  I'm afraid I'm relying on everyone else to tell me what to do, and then I'm still not doing much of it.  It reminds me of someone, which worries me.  I'm feeling my eyes close as I write.  I don't want to drift off to sleep.  I want to take a shower and start my day at, at, at ... 3:43 pm.  I have no idea what's wrong.

Allison and I took our first college tour yesterday (talk about exhausting).  I figure she'll get into the school, no problem, but she mentioned that she's worried about her essay.  She insisted there has never been anything in her life that's interesting enough to be a topic.  I pointed out that her mother has metastatic breast cancer, and she said that has nothing to do with her.  I noted that it limits what I can do with her, and that sometimes because of me she has to find her own way.  And she looked at me and said, "You're here today, aren't you?"  I guess it's enough for her that I can still take her places.  I said if she's going to have to suffer with a mother with cancer, she might as well take advantage of it on her essays.  At which point she rounded on me and announced, "It's not all about you all the time!"

It's not?