I have to write in my blog now and get everything clear.  Please bear with me because my typing is terrible, and my thoughts are not only scattered, I can’t even count on their veracity.

 

For weeks in February I had been feeling physically and physicallly  worse.  I felt nauseaus and I couldn’t sleep.  I kept losing my balance.  But I thought I was rolling along alright.  Until Tuesday, March 10, a date I may never fully remember.  I found myelf  at Penn’s hospital in an ambulance and it took a lot of discussions with friends to discover how that had happened.  Barb, MJ, and, Jill were there, but I was sure I was alone.  I spoke incoherently if I answered questions at all.  A team of surgeons kept repeating that they were going to do a small procedure on me, but it didn’t make sense to me.  My parents would have to give their permission.  Finally I let the drugs take control of my body.

After I woke up I was able to gather more information about what had led to that situation.  My cancer, as you may know, is a distant metastisis to my liver.  I almost died the first time it spread because when the liver stops working, it stops.  This time, Dr. Fox was armed with a stent he could try, but it was pretty new and he wasn’t entirely comfortable.  It was really my only chance, though.  If the stent hadn’t worked he could’ve tried it one more time, and then my life would’ve painfully ended within weeks.  Thank G-d the first stent worked and my bili rubin isn’t far from normal.  I still spent a week in the hospital and worried myself and my family, but now I’m actually back on chemo, which is a great thing even thought it’s my least favorite kind. 

 So I still can’t get over how you come running to help the minute I need it.  I hope to be doing much better soon, but I’m not allowed to drive and my walking is so wobbly, I’m renting a wheel chair for now.  What help will I need?  Well, Ken is traveling a lot for his new job and I don’t know if I’ll always be able get a ride for Jonah to baseball.  It’s things like that.  I do need my boys to have these rides available.  If you’re interested in participating, could you send me an email or an fb message or something?  Then I’ll know who to call if I need something.

How is Michelle

Hi folks.  This is Jill, Michelle’s sister, guest writing on her blog today.  We know that everyone is hoping for an update on how Michelle is.  The answer is that right now, she’s struggling.  She’s currently living in a perfect storm of issues – still recovering from the radiation, the sinus problems, the negative impact on her liver from the long disruption in her chemo and the recent resumption of her chemotherapy.  She feels sick all over, and it has taken a drastic toll on her spirit. 

As terrible as all this is and sounds, we do not have any reason to believe this is “it.”  In fact, just the opposite.  Since she responded to the chemo so well in the past, we expect it to start working on helping her liver.  Once that happens, the nausea should lessen significantly.  Also, she is scheduled for a procedure at the end of March that will fix the sinus issues.  Between these two things and the extra useful rest they will provide her, we hope that within the next several weeks she’ll be feeling like herself again. 

She, however, is miserable now, and she has lost hope.  It’s not hard to understand this.  I’m inconsolable when I’m nauseated for an hour; I can’t comprehend how she’s been able to manage this long. 

In supporting her, I’ve been walking the line between focusing on the optimism we justifiably feel and being honest about her predicament.  I’m positive around her without blowing smoke, which she sees right through.  I know it hurts and scares her to see so much fear in the people who love her.  My approach has been to take care of the things that she needs taken care of, encourage her to take small steps that might make her feel better, like a shower and a change of clothes or movement around and hopefully outside of the house.  I try as hard as I can to make her laugh.  

As her sister, I need to say how incredibly grateful I am to all of the people who love Michelle and are supporting her in any way through this.  She’s a special person, which is why she has such a large circle of loved ones.  I’m looking forward to better times when the pain has subsided enough for her to regain her focus on all the wonderful people in her life.