Well, now my damn sinuses have completely irritated me. I had my sinus CT scan, had my abdominal CT scan, didn't have chemo because of minocycline, which is, depending on your vantage, either the antibiotic du jour or the antibiotic du forever. At any rate, minocycline makes me nauseous and I am not a fan. It has helped this sinus infection, however. Or so I thought.
Dr. Fox told me I could/would not have chemo last Wednesday because he wanted me to finish the minocycline pills, and I STILL have 7 left. Civia and I went from Penn to Wegman's, where we bought probiotics to hopefully combat the antibiotics. I wish that worked better. So I'm not eating much, certainly not enough, and the bathroom at Parkway is nowhere near the gym. I'll keep going, and though I love watching Jonah's team win these last second basketball games, I'd love them to keep their first half momentum going once in awhile.
Boy, I do know how to get off track. Let's see, off chemo ... Oh yes. My tumor markers are up about 25 points and according to my abdominal CT I am doing worse, but Dr. Fox thinks I'm still better off waiting until next Wednesday, the 6th, to get my infusion. I'll be finished the antibiotic by then, but there might be another reason for a hold-out next week. I have an appointment on February 12 with an ENT surgeon because my sinuses are ALL messed up and I need two surgeries. Both outpatient. Apparently I'll feel so much better afterward, even my mom is acting happy for me. Here's what's officially wrong with my sinuses. I have a stone, like you get in your kidneys, but in a gland. It has to be removed from the right side, and it explains the jaw pain and headaches, etc. The other problem is that the infection has turned chronic, which somehow is another way of saying permanent, but I only have a cursory understanding of that. So one surgery to get rid of the stone, the other to I guess scrape away the infection. This is a nice diversion from breast cancer. Or whatever.
Last night I made the mistake of going to the Metastatic Breast Cancer Network site. I thought it would be a safe place, but no. I ended up with visions of my family and friends mourning for me at my funeral. You'd think the MBCN site, which is for people like me, would be a safe place @@.
Today was clearly not shaping up to be a great day, and then Jason came home from school with news that he got an A in his English midterm. An A! Last year he was in the hospital and didn't take midterms, and my only concern was that he'd take his own life if left to his own devices. This year he got an A. I'm proud to report he is suddenly caring and doing much better in school. He actually studied for these midterms!
Today. It's a great day!
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I don't know what to say to you. I don't want to say pretty things that tickle your ear with bullshit. "Oh, it will all be alright." - no.. it won't. "you have lived a full life?" - no, you haven't. "Because my cancer is back, I know how you feel?" - no, I don't. All I know is that this all makes me weep. Maybe that is because of my own shit. Maybe because I am tired. Maybe because I know I may one day walk in your shoes? That would be fear talking. I have seen you in denial, acceptance, anger, bargaining, and depression. I have tried to imagine what it must be like for you, but that would mean me being in touch with my own feelings about my own cancer, my life and my issues. See how I make this all about me?! I am with you Michelle... I am here. I am numb, in denial, scared, sad, grateful for my routines and angry as hell. I am sorry to vent - I figured you could use some of my thoughts that I don't share with anyone else. Love you. Rebecca
Love you, Rebecca!
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