Journal Day

I'm participating in a focus interview.  I think I mentioned it last week, how it was so encompassing and I ended up panicking about it more than a bit.  As part of the research I have to keep a journal, and I have to videotape certain things in my life that connect me to breast cancer.  Last week I videotaped my book club dinner, because I was having my glass of wine and everyone looked so beautiful and happy.  Today I videotaped myself with Jill in Center City after radiation.  So they could see Jill's beautiful hair, which is so similar to the beautiful hair I miss. 

Now it's time to journal.  My first trip to Hahnemann was on Thursday, where I got a course of action for whole head radiation.  I will have 15 treatments, five days a week, and then be finished and return to Dr. Fox.  On Friday I was fitted for a helmet.  I have to try to get a picture of this thing, it's interesting.  It's like a net that was molded to the front of my head using just warm water.  The techs put tape and measuring devices on it during the treatments.  It's not at all uncomfortable, honestly.  The treatments are quick and have a taste, like raw peas.  I pray that means they're working.  The Hahnemann techs are as sweet as I remember and greet me with hugs.  I think it's Dr. Komarnicky's influence.  She's that sweet.

Just before starting treatment on Monday I had what a 1960s sitcom character would refer to as an episode.  I was working on room parent stuff on Sunday night when the right side of the computer stopped working on my brain.  I believed it was still there, but there was no way I could make my head see it.  Worse, I stubbornly refused to give up my task until the "episode" passed, so I typed half blind, somewhat embarrassed at what mistakes I might have been unable to hide.  For the record, the snowman craft is fine and the soup thing sounds great, whatever it is.  After however much time elapsed the vision disturbance passed and I was left with a lightly piercing pain behind my left eye, not at all unsimilar to some sinus pains.  But somehow more manageable.  The final result was that I was unable to fall asleep that night.  I am still unsure whether I was afraid to fall asleep or chemically disturbed, or what.  I made up for the sleep last night, though.  I was so tired.  I'm tired now, which was/is expected.

I'm still suffering quite a lot of tears about my recent developments.  Despite what I endure I want to LIVE my life, and that means making changes when necessary.  Some of my changes are quite difficult if not impossible to make, and yet I feel so compelled to try I will not give up, I vow.  Things people put off doing for years because things get in the way, and eventually the things will just keep getting in the way and the changes still have to get done.  Maybe if I had time I'd still put off what I need to do, but I feel I lose that luxury a bit more everyday by now.

My birthday is now in less than a month.  I'm turning 46, more than halfway to 50.  My cousin Ted once pointed out that if we Sterbakovs can make it out of our 40s we're good.  So that's my goal!  Thanks, Ted.  Renee is coming to visit for my birthday.  She read my blog last week and bought a plane ticket so she can make me a party.  I'm having a party!  Fun!