I wept quietly in Dr. Fox's office when he suggested I would have to switch to an infusion chemo. The new chemo, Abraxane, won't make me feel sick, and it's an easy, short infusion ... but patients on it lose their hair. I wept for my hair. I went home, and I focused on my hair. And then I made peace with losing my hair, but in actuality I felt it wouldn't happen. My tumor markers rising had been a fluke, and this month's tests would show a drastic decrease, especially after denying myself sugar for weeks. Still, I told myself and others, hair's hair, it's not that big a deal.
What I failed to realize until Loreli called during 9th period cycle math is that tumor markers going up IS a big deal. I'm not going toward remission, I'm traveling the wrong direction. I couldn't even make it off the phone before the tears attacked my cheeks, and the kids fell silent, whispering, "Is she crying?" I realized I couldn't stay, and 20 minutes later here I am, still crying. No, I really don't want to lose my hair, but what I don't want to lose more is my optimism. All this time I've been going along, physically improving as I go, sure in some recess of my mind that I could beat the odds and live for 20 years or so. That I could see a grandkid or two, watch my kids begin their careers. And now here's my mortality back to bite me in the ass. I have to start all over again, face it all over again. I'm really not that strong, I'm just generally in denial.
I don't even know where the cancer is right now. Is it back in my liver? How? Why? Is it just in that little lump I found near my arm pit? Is it back in my bones? Is all the pain in my legs because of the cancer? Fox might set up a biopsy on Tuesday for the lump, but I don't know about the rest of it. I have no idea what my body is doing. How could I be so out of touch?
So I guess I'll make an appointment to have my wig washed and styled, even though this isn't like a Day 19 Taxotere/Cytoxen hair loss, it's much more gradual. And I'll finally look like the patient I've been pretending not to be for the past 5 months.
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9 comments:
I shouldn't have read this at work. At least it's late on a Friday and my brother and I are the only ones in our little corner of the office. I'm so sorry, Michelle. Denial is probably the way to go, attitude-wise. Do the things you need to do, listen when you're at the doctor's office and do what you're supposed to, but then deny, deny, deny. Love the life you have. Love you lots.
You write so beautifully. I can feel your pain and I want to cry at your news. I am amazed at how talented and wonderful you are. I love how you are in the moment when you write and you are so willing to put yourself out there. You are my friend and I am proud of you. If I could take all this away from you, I would. Instead, I will be your cheerleader and your sister in the fight. All my love, Rebecca
Sorry to hear this latest Michelle but you are a very strong person, let me know if I can help. Going with Kevin to chemo on Monday. 3 more radiations, ring the bell Wed., ring the chemo bell after last iv fluid replenishment on Thursday! Barb
Michelle,
So sorry about your news. My heart is breaking for you. You are a strong, beautiful and wonderful woman with or without hair. I have faith in you. Chin up and lets fight this. Please know that i am here for you. Thinking of you and praying that you are well again soon
Michelle I cry as i read this...not because I'm not still as optimistic as before ( I KNOW YOU WILL BEAT THIS!!!) but because I feel your sorrow through your writing. I wish more than anything I could be there to hug you, help you, cheer you, help you deny, anything! Stay strong, or deny, or do whatever you do to stay strong and gets you through to your grandkids and all your other dreams. So many of us love you and will do anything for you! WE Will not stop being optimistic!! XOXO
Be positive ...where there's life....there's hope..keep the faith..and always try to reach for your dreams..be optimistic ..stay, strong..We all care very much about you. JULIE
Michelle, You are a very strong person. You admit that you think you are in denial. The truth is that as your friend I am too. I don't want you to be going through this. Please know that I think about what you are experiencing, what you have to do, and what you feel. I am so grateful that you share at least some of what you think. Let me know how I can be there for you.
Debbie
We're all here with you, Shelly, all the time, even when you can't see us. Always loving you and admiring your strength.
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