What to Think

I wrote this earlier, during my subbing assignment:

Twice in the past week people have said to me that they don't know how I function.  They insist they'd be basket cases, confined to their beds.  How do I get up and go to work and act normal?  Well, obviously I still have choices, just like anyone would.  Who would choose to spend whatever remaining time he or she has on Earth curled up in a ball, not experiencing it.  I would not.

If you've spent time sick in bed, preparing mentally or even wishing for death, you understand the blessed relief it is to get up, shower, get the kids moving, and get out the door.  When your muscles atrophy and you're tasked with gaining 10 pountds to erase the sallow, pale appearance that so truly unbecoming, a brisk walk in the sunshine makes you feel positively Herculean, and HEALTHY.

Certainly, I'm not 100% myself.  Emotionally, I may be the same.  Perhaps a bit calmer, but I'll never learn to avoid sweating the small stuff.  Hitting a deer on the way to Florida made me briefly sad for the deer, and gave me good fodder for teasing Ken about killing Rudolph just before Christmas.  On the other hand, you don't want to be in my vicinity if I can't find my keys.

Physically, I'm almost never free of the lump of nausea at the base of my throat.  I can ignore it until I can't, and eating is still a chore.  So what.  Last year at this time my dog had died and I had a constant headache, between grief and the horrible sinus infection I couldn't shake.  Which is worse?  I think I suffered more last year.  Again, again, I must reiterate how thrilled I am that 2011 is dead in the dust.  I may still be stuck on chemo with my dry, awful, swollen hands and feet, but I hada  fantastic birthday on Friday and I've already had refreshingly good news:  my monthly chemo bill was cut by 80%, thanks to the manufacturer picking up the bulk.  I'll now pay $80, instead of $300.  Still a day of subbing, but at least not a car payment!  I need to call the ACS because they have been trying to reach me, perhaps with assistance for more bills.  And on Sunday Ken and I earned a "free" cruise for sitting through a seminar about a vacation club that offes deep discounts to travelers who can afford to pay $9000 for the privilege.  Luckily, we were quickly pegged as "not candidates" and sent on our way with our voucher.

Today is my second consecutive day in the same 7th grade language arts classroom with the most amazing students ever to greet a sub.  I don't even have to issue any reminders!  Everyone is working, from the girl with the one purple sequined Ugg boot and one silver sequined Ugg boot, to the boy with hickeys all over his neck (ewww).  I would have to choose to think about cancer with such characters in my midst.  I would not.