Some days I have much to write, and then I get home and fall asleep. Some days I forget I have a blog, or a computer. Not in a literal sense. I get too overwhelmed by the failings of my body to write. And then I fall asleep. Sometimes I lie in my bed and instead of sleeping, I concentrate on all the foods of the world, and what my body might possibly consider tolerating. The answer always seems to macaroni and cheese, which I don't actually tolerate well at all. Which I know, so I give up and fall asleep. I wonder why last week my legs would move without pain, and this week they're resistant to it. It's easier if I just sleep.
Last night I went downstairs to dinner. Chinese food, which I tolerated in small servings. For the first time in a long time we were together, a family of five. Allison said I came down to milk the cancer attention. Sure, like I wouldn't have come down all those other nights, too, for that. Jonah figured that if I made it to the kitchen I was feeling normal and could do everything for him, like normal. Jason and Ken treated me like a guest. And when Ken and I disagreed about something minor, I realized he's been the solo person in charge for so long, he's not used to my voice in his ear anymore. Maybe I'm not a ghost, but I'm not as substantial as I was.
I worry so much now about whether I will ever get to be substantial again. I can't deal with anything. I forgot Jason's orthodontist appointment. It's not chemo brain, it's exhaustion. When I'm at work my brain works okay. Which means I can finally blog as an awake person. I'm a little optimistic for today, actually. My legs hurt less, and I ate with no trouble. I do see Dr. Fox on Friday. Finally. I haven't seen him since August 30, and considering I'm counting on him to save my life, that seems too long. I'll try to update soon, if I can stay awake.
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2 comments:
You are and always will be substantial. Don't forget it. Love you & thinking about you everyday.
I guess what helped me the most when I was going through treatment is that my two best friends are in their 90s. Hanging with them I learned that you don't have to do all the things you used to, waking up and enjoying the day is what it's all about and if some things go by the wayside-oh well.
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