Why did I put this off?

I normally enjoy writing here. It feels therapeutic sometimes, and other times I just like knowing the information is going on a permanent record. But after my little cat eulogy, I stopped knowing what to say, I guess. It's not like I'm spending every waking moment mourning Brodi. The poor thing was so sick, she's better off, and it's not like my house is suddenly empty.

Enough about that. Let's see. I'm still not completely bald. I have these tiny hair blades scattered all over my head. Sometimes I go over my head with a lint roller. The hairs are loose in there, and they're so sharp. Should I tell this part? Oh, it's so gross. Okay, skip if you don't want to hear gross stuff. My whole head is covered with acne. Not my face. My face is fine. But my head is a disaster, completely red. I don't know what to do about it. It hurts, it itches, it even gives me a headache sometimes. Do I call the oncologist? A dermatologist? I don't know. This just seems completely, well ... me. I started off continuing to wash it with the same shampoo, but the shampoo is for color treated hair. Not only don't I have color, I barely have hair. So for the past few days I've switched to washing my head with my Dove soap. I don't know what to try next. ProActiv? Ha!

Yeah, enough about that, too. On Sunday we went to the JCC Camp, and sure enough, Jonah LOVED it. He wanted to start the next day. Please keep your fingers crossed, even though we won't hear until May 15 if he gets the scholarship. While we were there I ended up in a conversation with a nice dad, and it turned out that not only is he is a neurologist at Penn, he's a former patient of Dr. Fox's mentor (and he continues to see Dr. Fox). He had Hodgkins when he was a student at Penn, applying to med school. Did he say that was 17 years ago? That sounds right. Of course he loves Dr. Fox, and he made me feel really good about the whole thing, without even knowing my prognosis (which is good, anyway). He made me think about AFTER, which I hardly ever do. Not even just AFTER as in after treatment, after my hair grows back, etc. AFTER, like years from now, when this is a distant memory. It was wonderful. Of course, the other kind of after sounds good, too. It just seems like an indulgence now to think of that. The only way I can get through this is day to day to day. I compare this day to last week, or to how I might feel next week, but that's the best I can/will do. I think if I compare myself to normal I just won't be able to manage. This way, I can tell myself that I'm doing better than Saturday, and feel optimistic. And on the worst days, I can remind myself that the next days will be better. That's it.

And these days are good. I'm comparing to three weeks ago, when my blood count had dropped and I missed Allison's birthday dinner. I'm fine now, knock wood, other than making trips to three different ShopRites yesterday and still forgetting an ingredient for the seder. I'm comparing to Saturday, when I still had the sour taste in my mouth and felt completely frustrated. I looked in the mirror this morning right before getting into the shower, and even with my nearly bald, red head and my blank breasts, I recognized myself. I was smiling at the mirror, and I didn't know why, and I couldn't make myself stop. Isn't that weird? But I recognized myself, even like this.